


of fate and fear

by Hello__GoodBi



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Post 3x13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-25 11:22:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18260273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hello__GoodBi/pseuds/Hello__GoodBi
Summary: I find myself wondering if fate has ever been on my side. But then I remember, fate brought you to me.Or in which a sad TJ contemplates his relationship with Cyrus and fate after costume day.





	1. Chapter 1

I often find myself wondering why I am here. Not just why I am alive on this earth, but also why I find myself in specific situations. Was it always meant to be this way, or is this all just random chance? I am not quite sure which option I prefer. And if it is fate, I find myself wondering if it has ever been on my side. But then I remember, fate brought you to me.

I often thought it was destined that we should meet. Before I met you, I was stuck inside a version of myself which was hardened by insecurity and toughened by fear. Maybe it was always meant to be you to bring me out of my shell. Only you could have softened my cold exterior and made me want to be the better person I am today. But if it is all predestined, then was it fated that we should part? That she would come into our lives and drive a wedge between us that seems irreversible? That my fear would be ignited stronger than before causing me to ruin the one good thing I have?

Is it fated that right now I am waiting outside on a swing in our park, shivering in the early-evening chill, but unable to bring myself to text you or even just drag myself home? The sounds of the peaceful playground are so familiar it aches. They remind me of all the times we spent sitting on these swings just talking because we didn’t want to say goodbye. If only I had told you how much you meant to me then, but I wasn’t ready. I don’t think I’ll ever be.

My eyes ache and my head pounds from the hours I spent crying. Ever since a few days ago I have been filled with hopelessness and an all-consuming self-hatred, but now I just feel empty. I remember reading that when someone cries, their body is releasing toxins that cause emotions in their tears, so maybe I am empty. I cried myself away.

It’s hard to imagine that just a couple days ago I was so happy. My cheeks hurt from smiling and my stomach was filled with giddy excitement from something I didn’t quite understand, but I knew was amazing. Or maybe I did understand it, but something that felt so good couldn’t be bad. Right?

But I was wrong. Just one conversation doused the fire inside me and left me feeling small and exposed. Maybe what I was feeling wasn’t normal, or okay. Maybe I was different. Dirty. And those thoughts grew so strong that they consumed me with an overwhelming fear that I couldn’t ignore. What would happen if everyone found out? What would happen if _you_ found out? I couldn’t let that become my reality. And with that one driving thought I pushed myself away from the person you taught me to be and back into who I once was. A person driven by fear. 

I could see the disappointment and betrayal in your eyes when you saw me with her. And that hurt more than anything. I was doing it so I wouldn’t lose you, but I lost you all the same.

A light jingle of chains beside me jerks me out of my thoughts. I glance around to see your face staring back at me. It wasn’t filled with the hatred I thought it would be. You were always too good. All I can see is shock, anger, and confusion reflecting in your eyes. They demand an explanation. I know this conversation isn’t going to be easy, but you deserve for me to try. I take a deep breath and clear my throat. Maybe I don’t know what will happen, or maybe you are fated to leave me behind. But maybe, just maybe, fate is on my side.


	2. All is well that ends well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which TJ tries to tell Cyrus everything.

“Cyrus,” I push out.

You just stare at me, but you don’t leave.

I feel my throat close up as I try to find the right words to say. The magnitude of this situation overwhelms me and I want it to stop, but I know that it won’t. That’s the thing about time, it keeps on going no matter what. A feeling of helplessness washes through me and I feel tears prick my eyes. I guess I’m not empty after all. 

I try to speak again but it just comes out as a strangled sob. I squeeze my eyes shut as white-hot shame flashes through my body. What kind of idiot can’t even form words properly? _I’m stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid_. You’re probably happy you have a reason not to talk to me anymore. Maybe fate is right to tear us apart. To keep you away from me. I never deserved you anyway. 

I open my eyes and roughly wipe the tears off my face. I swallow hard and try again. “I’m sorry,” I say to the ground, “for everything. You never deserved to be treated like that. I never meant to hurt you, yet I can’t seem to stop. I just can’t seem to control myself when it comes to you. I guess Kira figured that out.” I quickly glance over at you to gauge your reaction. You seem more closed off than usual, but I can tell that you’re listening. “I felt like I had to do the costume with her or else you would hate me. But I guess it doesn’t matter what I did, because you ended up hating me anyways.” I produce a self-deprecating scoff. “Classic TJ,” I say softly.

“I could never hate you,” you say, speaking for the first time since you’ve arrived and god, your voice sounds even better than I remember. “I’m just very hurt and confused. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to do a costume with me, I’m used to being a second-rate friend, but why couldn’t you just tell me? I don’t understand. What did Kira figure out?”

“God Cyrus, you’ve never been second-rate to me. Don’t you understand? I couldn’t tell you before because I didn’t know how to say that Kira somehow found out that I… well that that I’m…” I taper off. I look up into your eyes, the familiarity somehow giving me the reassurance that I need. “I like you Cyrus.” I say quietly, “I’m sorry.”

A glimmer of something flashes through your eyes. All you say is a breathless, “Oh.”

“Yea, oh,” I repeat. “I thought it was okay, that I could handle it. So what if you made me feel things I shouldn’t, as long as I didn’t let it control me it was fine. But Kira made me question everything. Made me think that just having those feelings were wrong. That by doing a costume with you everyone, including you, would find out about my stupid…crush. I wasn’t ready. But somehow, right now, I am, because nothing seems scarier than not having you in my life. I’ll get over my crush, I promise. Just, please, forgive me. Please,” I beg. 

“TJ, wow, okay.” You walk over and sink into the swing beside me. “You’re telling me that you’re gay, you like me, and Kira somehow used that against you? Oh my gosh.”

“I’m not gay,” I say hurriedly trying to calm the jet of fear that struck through my gut. You jerk slightly at my interjection. “I mean, I don’t know. Maybe. But yea, the rest is right I guess.”

“Okay, I won’t use labels, that’s fine too. You’re still you either way,” you say slowly. “Thanks for telling me though, that was very brave of you.”

My face flushes. I don’t feel brave.

“I still don’t think I fully understand,” you continue, “but I know enough that I forgive you. I’m sorry you had to go through that TJ, figuring yourself out is hard enough without someone making you feel threatened.”

A feeling of relief washes over me. Was this really it? Or was fate pulling some cruel joke on me? I shrug embarrassedly at your last words. “So, are we good?” I ask tentatively.

“Yea, we’re good.” You reach your hand out towards me. 

I stare at it blankly before I slowly clasp my hand around yours. I try to ignore the burning tingles that shoot up my arm. A feeling of contentment pools in my gut and I smile at you. You smile back and give my hand a reassuring squeeze.

I feel happy. It’s almost as if Kira had never intervened. 

But she did. I pull my hand back suddenly remembering what you now know about me.

“No,” I say, speaking to the ground again.

“No?” you say, and I can hear the confusion in your voice.

“No,” I repeat, “don’t give me what you think I want.” 

“Was that what you want?”

I don’t answer.

“TJ,” you say gently, “look at me.”

I force myself to face you.

“Who says I don’t want it too?” Your face looks open and determined. “I guess now is a good time to tell you that, well… I’m gay and I like you too. I have for awhile actually.”

My eyebrows furrow. “What? Are you trying to make fun of me?”

“No!” you say hurriedly, “I would never joke about something like this.”

“Oh, so you like actually me?” I say slowly, as if saying it out loud would somehow make it more believable. I feel like my body has gone into shock. _You like me back?!_ “Why?”

You laugh softly, “Lots of reasons, but the important thing right now is that I do.”

“Oh,” I say. And it’s as if those words turn on something inside me. What I’m feeling isn’t wrong because, _you like me back!_ Joy explodes in my body and fills the empty world around me until I feel as though I will suffocate. “Thank you.”

I don’t think you quite understand the magnitude of my words, but you smile anyways. “Of course.”

“So, what does this mean? What happens now?”

“Whatever you want, but I have the feeling you want to take things slow. I think I want that too. How about we’re still friends, but maybe we hold hands sometimes? We can figure out where to go from there later.”

“Okay,” I say softly, “I’d like that.”

“Me too.”

I smile at you and you beam back. This time I shakily reach my hand out towards you and you intertwine our fingers together. I feel like I’m coming home.

_I like fate_ , I decide. Because as long it keeps bringing you back to me, the future doesn’t seem so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I ended up rewriting the whole chapter so I hope you liked it! Thanks again for checking this out and any feedback is welcome :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thanks for checking this out. This is my first fic and the first time I've written creatively in a while. Constructive criticism and other comments or kudos are welcome :) I have second part I could upload if anyone wants it.  
> I do not own any of these characters, I just wrote this for fun. I hope you enjoyed it!


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